SPORTS

Penny Signs #1 Player in Class of 2039

The University of Memphis basketball squad announces that it has offered a scholarship to TreVarious Montgomery, the top-rated prospect in the class of 2039. The 6-month old Montgomery measures an impressive 24.5 inches in height and weighs 37.2 pounds, which puts him in the 98th percentile of children in his age range.

“He doesn’t have a great vertical jump yet,” proclaims his father Larry. “However, he can scamper across the floor like nobody’s business.”

“TreVarious has the eye of the tiger,” beams U of M head coach Penny Hardaway, who’s been scouting TreVarious for several months. “It’s never too early to lock up a sensational talent like him.”

The Tigers are also in on Nate “The Natural” Nathanson, who is due to be born in late spring of 2022.